I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
