I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
