i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
