Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
