You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
