I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
