After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
