I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
