If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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