look no pants
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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