i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize