By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
