I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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