Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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