I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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