I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
