This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
