so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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