Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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