So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
