I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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