Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize