i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
