I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
3pm strippers are depressing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
