In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
