so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
