Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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