I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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