Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
