Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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