I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
