There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
