I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
