i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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