I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
