I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They have beer where we have blood.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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