mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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