It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Small penises have feelings too.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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