I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
