so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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