Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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