YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
