it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
