I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
