I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
