he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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