you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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