I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
