we're chasing vodka with high fives
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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