Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
