Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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