I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
