All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
