i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
