I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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