Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
