My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
