did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
