I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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