now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
