Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
