Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
