Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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