Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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