Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
