I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
