i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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