I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
